1) The television show Chuck is personally upset that I have not addressed the unknown characters. Tonight this show will do everything in its power to make them the focus of the show and force me to take notice. How? That brings me to…
2) This episode takes place in an alternate dimension. A dimension where Chuck does not work at Big Lots, nor does he have any friends on the side. No Seth. No Larry. No TIG. He is just a spy, and when he’s not, he’s hanging out with the unknowns.
So, now that you’ve wrapped your head around that, this show will be a lot easier to follow.
The show starts at the UCLA Medical Center in the year 2000. A teacher calls on two students to operate on a cadaver. Both are absent and making out in the nearby supply closet.
These are the regular unknown characters, and coincidentally, both of these two are unknown even to each other. In this universe, the female unknown is known as “Ellie”, a shrew who thinks the entire world revolves around her. The male unknown says he is called “Devon”, and he can do anything in this universe as its own personal hero. The two make out even harder when they discover this dimension was tailor-made for them. Hell, Ellie even gets her own mini-Cheesecake Moment of the Night, undressing in the closet.Cut to nine years later, and the couple is just now moving into Chuck’s apartment complex by posing as his sister and brother-in-law. Ellie is pissed because she set up this fake family tie with Chuck mostly to just get hooked up with electronics, and Chuck isn’t available to install their new TV. While pacing around the room, she sees their wedding album in a box, and wishes aloud to Devon that she could go back to the days when they were a romantic couple and not stressed out by work and family. Despite having a pretty lax job and having no kids, Devon agrees that they don’t get much personal time and promises to take a day off tonight, so that they can re-watch their wedding tape and then spend some alone time together, like they do every night. Just then a chopper flies over the apartment, which Ellie mentions happens a lot.
Apparently, the chopper was dropping off Chuck, who walks into his bedroom with half a tuxedo and a spy harness on. Devon is sitting in Chuck’s bedroom waiting for him, which scares the hell out of Chuck.
Chuck tells Devon that it’s a good thing he doesn’t have a roommate or this would look really creepy. Devon tells Chuck that since he knows everything in this dimension, he also knows that Chuck is a spy and that the chopper dropped him off. Chuck starts to sweat, until Devon says his secret is safe and that his sister is too self-centered to pay attention anyway. Since being a spy beats just being omniscient, Devon needles Chuck on what his mission was. Since it all happened off-camera, Chuck lies and explains an episode of 24, and that the mission went smoothly and Cheesecake wore sensible clothes. Devon’s ADD wears off during the story and he reminds Chuck to install the TV in their apartment.Chuck hooks up the TV, which Devon appreciates. Ellie is still pissed because the last scene wasn’t about her. Devon turns on the TV, which is set to the Plot-Point News Channel.
The breaking news is that Fidel Castro has just collapsed. Except in this universe, Castro is played by Armand Assante, who looks nothing like Castro. Also Cuba is close enough to the West Coast that he was rushed to a hospital in Chuck’s city, which I believe is in California. So let’s just call him Shmidel Shmastro from Shmuba. Chuck thinks “Shmastro” is a funny name and Googles it. He learns the obvious fact that Shmastro is a Communist dictator who has been ordered dead from every president, except from the Democratic ones, since Gerald Ford. Right after the news report, Chuck and Devon get text messages telling them to head immediately to the spy basement and the ER, respectively.In the spy basement, the Spy Boss explains that their mission this week is to protect the life of Shmastro. Hardass says this doesn’t make sense since he was personally sent to kill Shmastro on three separate occasions. Which Spy Boss and Cheesecake tease him about failing all of them. Spy Boss goes on to explain that Shmastro is moving to set up a democratic election and they can’t let him die. Hardass questions why a Communist dictator, who claimed the country through a forceful revolution, would ever set himself up to be merely voted out of office. Cheesecake agrees, asking the Spy Boss to make sure she’s looking at the right bad guy for this week. Spy Boss gets mad and tells them to just obtain his medical record to see if it was an assassination attempt, and hangs up. Chuck realizes that since Devon is the center of this world, he’ll have access to those records.
Not only will he have access to those records, he’ll also be writing those records. We discover that Devon’s 911 page was to resuscitate Shmastro, who is in an emergency room surrounded by several of his guards.
The head guard tells Devon that if anything happens to Shmastro, he’ll hold Devon responsible. Devon tells him not to worry and asks him if he’s ever seen this show before.The intro credits roll to verify you’re watching Chuck. Commercials.
Back in the spy basement, both agents and Chuck watch the report on Plot-Point News that Devon has saved Shmastro and he will make a full recovery. Cheesecake gushingly wonders aloud if there’s anything Devon can’t do. Hardass just sneers and tells Chuck he wants those medical records. Cheesecake reminds Chuck to play it cool with Devon and, if he could, have Devon give her an autograph. Chuck is waiting for Devon in the courtyard, and Devon assumes that Chuck’s there to clue him in on a mission since he worked on Shmastro. Chuck says no, that he’s only wondering about what happened to Shmastro. Devon explains that it wasn’t a heart condition, but a high level of potassium in his system. Chuck wonders if Shmastro was poisoned. Devon not-so-subtly hints that since he’s good at everything, Chuck could maybe get him a job with the CIA. Devon also adds that being good at everything is pretty boring and he just wants some excitement in his life…like when he played football in school. Chuck reminds him there is no football team in the CIA, and besides, doing spy stuff is his way of escaping from Devon. Chuck walks away as Devon fumes about being told off by an unemployed nerd.
In the Hardass random apartment, Spy Boss says the follow-up mission will be to sneak into the Shmuban consulate, where Shmastro will be holding a gala celebrating his recovery. She further explains that the assassin is probably still on the loose, so they will continue to protect Shmastro. They must do this even though Shmuba is still an enemy of the United States and if they are discovered and captured, the U.S. must disavow any knowledge of their action and abandon them to Shmastro’s control. Chuck has issues with this and asks Spy Boss why they can’t just identify themselves to Shmastro and work with him. Spy Boss says that’s a stupid question because they need Shmastro and his men to be hostile towards Chuck and his crew, otherwise there would be no tension in this episode. Hardass is excited about this mission, but unfortunately can’t go. Due to all his assassination attempts, he’s a wanted man in Shmuba and will be apprehended on sight. Chuck assures Hardass that no one is looking for him, while ironically Shmastro and his guards are in the courtyard searching for someone. Hardass grabs a shotgun from a secret panel for him and Cheesecake, but Chuck stops them. Not only would that fail their mission, but because Shmastro is knocking on Devon and Ellie’s front door.
After Shmastro knocks and Chuck calls their phone for 20 minutes, Devon realizes Ellie is too self-absorbed to even answer the door, so he opens it revealing Shmastro and his guards. Shmastro first acts angry and then does a 180 and has him and his men salute Devon for saving his life. I don’t know if Armand Assante has speaking problems or if this is his interpretation of Castro, but Assante is barely understandable with his mix of mumbling, a lisp, and a very heavy Hispanic accent. Ellie finally comes to the front door and Shmastro mumbles something at her, and then mumbles something to both of them. After standing there blankly for a few minutes, Shmastro’s head guard explains that he has invited them to the gala and is waiting for them to accept. They do and Chuck darts out of his apartment. Ellie quickly explains that he’s her brother and Chuck is invited as well. Chuck turns and gives the agents thumbs-up.
At the gala, Chuck brings Cheesecake, while Devon is just happy this will shut up Ellie about getting out. Cheesecake reminds Chuck to relax while Chuck radios to Hardass in a van outside about the guard placement. Cheesecake goes to check on Shmastro and Hardass tells Chuck to keep an eye out for assassins. Suddenly the caterers all act dangerously and Chuck starts to get paranoid.
Chuck finds Devon, who suspects Chuck and Cheesecake are there to assassinate Shmastro. Chuck explains they are there actually to protect Shmastro, which Devon finds hard to believe. Since he is this world’s hero, Devon demands to play a part in this mission. Chuck obliges and says his role is to keep Ellie out of danger.
He says this right as Shmastro walks up to Ellie and demands to be by her side for the rest of the evening. Chuck slaps his forehand.Commercials.
Back at the gala, Devon is still freaked about Shmastro being all over Ellie. Chuck says that’s the drawback to being the center of the universe in this dimension. He also tells Devon not to worry since Cheesecake is going to intercept her. Cheesecake walks up to Ellie and Shmastro mumbles something derogatory and then attempts a three-way right in the middle of the room. Cheesecake says that Cheesecake Moments are one thing, but this is too much for a show in early prime-time and takes Ellie away.
Ellie thanks Cheesecake for helping her escape and then realizes that technically she wasn’t invited, and asks what her relationship to Chuck is nowadays. Devon picks up on the vibe from across the room and asks Chuck the same thing about Cheesecake. Both admit that they are just co-workers. Devon admits it would be hard just to pretend to love someone, while Ellie tells Cheesecake a setting like this could help her warm back up to Chuck. Chuck and Cheesecake hear Hardass snoring into their earpieces, reminding them to get on with the mission.
Shmastro walks to the dance floor to address the entire party. He mumbles something about thanking Devon and then motions to Ellie to dance with him. Ellie declines, but Shmastro just mumbles something and drags her to the dance floor anyway. Shmastro starts dancing intimately with Ellie, making Chuck and Devon angry. Hardass chimes in that he has run the guest list against a bad guy database and has found a suspected assassin – a Shmuban freedom fighter. Hardass sends the two a picture of the freedom fighter and Chuck and Cheesecake spot him across the dance floor getting closer to Shmastro. Cheesecake says they have to get to him fast without looking conspicuous. 
Chuck looks around the room, accidentally Googling “ballroom” and suddenly learns how to dance. He tells Cheesecake to follow his lead. Chuck and Cheesecake tango over to the freedom fighter and Chuck “accidentally” elbows the guy in the face, as he reaches for something.
Cheesecake goes over to check on the man and it turns out he was just a political protestor reaching for a rotten egg to throw at Shmastro. Despite looking accidental and revealing a opponent to the dictatorship, Chuck and Cheesecake are still thrown out for the disruption. On the way out the door, Chuck sees a guard that sticks out and Googles “non-Hispanic creepy guard.”
Chuck returns with a fan site, belonging to the guard, all about poison. He also sees in the forums that the guard plans on poisoning Shmastro tonight. After being thrown out, Chuck tells Cheesecake about the poisoner and she radios to Hardass that it’s up to him now.
Hardass quickly enters the party dressed as a guard with a big fake Super Mario mustache. Hardass sees the poisoner approach Shmastro and draw a deadly syringe. Hardass instantly draws his gun to take down the poisoner. But Devon sees this and, as the hero of this dimension, instinctively tackles Hardass.
The poisoner is scared off by this, but Shmastro’s guards unmask Hardass and recognize him as the Angel of Death. As Hardass is taken away, Devon is once again thanked by Shmastro for saving his life. Ellie comes over and says she can’t believe he’s saved a man’s life twice in one day. Devon admits he may be perfect, but this is getting ridiculous.
Commercials.
Back in the spy basement, Spy Boss gives Chuck and Cheesecake the cold shoulder about rescuing Hardass from the Shmuban consulate. Cheesecake argues that he was just doing his job, but the Spy Boss says they will have to take a diplomatic approach to rescuing him. Even though Shmastro has shown absolutely no indication of working within diplomatic channels, despite anticipating turning his country into a democracy. Spy Boss says until then, Hardass is on his own.
And on his own means being strapped to a chair in the basement of the consulate and being questioned by Shmastro. Shmastro taunts Hardass for failing to kill him again. Hardass says he was actually trying to protect him. Shmastro finds it hard to believe that someone called the Angel of Death would do such a thing. Instead of discussing ensuring his safety while on American soil, Hardass and Shmastro trade insults until Shmastro has a guard stuff a rag in Hardass’ mouth. As Shmastro dishes out more insults, Hardass sees the poisoner behind him inject something into a cigar. The poisoner lights the cigar and gives it to Shmastro, but Hardass kicks it out of his mouth.
Shmastro gets it back, takes a big puff, and immediately falls to the floor. The poisoner gives a big smile to Hardass.Back at their apartment, Ellie thanks Devon for a great time and recommends they find a closet to reenact their first day of medical school together. Suddenly Devon gets a 911 text – Castro needs him for another emergency. Ellie gives him the go-ahead.
Devon sees Chuck in the courtyard on his way out and suggests that his emergency run to the consulate is their way to get in and save Hardass. Chuck tells Devon to ditch the spy plans, but Devon says he just wants to set things right from earlier. Chuck figures out that in this bizarro world, if Devon isn’t involved, it won’t happen, so he accepts and offers to take him to the spy basement. Devon says he’ll drive because he already knows where it is.
In the spy basement, Chuck tells Devon not to touch anything as he tries to pull up the blueprints of the consulate. Cheesecake enters and gets giddy that THE Devon is in the spy basement waiting for her. Cheesecake starts to put the moves on Devon as Chuck tells her to pull it together. He tells her that Devon has a plan to get them into the consulate, disguised as his assistants. Cheesecake screams in approval and runs off to get her sexiest nurse outfit, complete with fetish nerd glasses. Chuck tells Devon this “center of the universe” stuff has gotta go by the next episode. But his plan works perfectly as the three of them enter the consulate in disguise.
Commercials.
Just to clarify, the next several scenes went back-and-forth between Chuck, Cheesecake, and Devon, and Hardass in the basement with the poisoner. I’ll try to sum them up the best I can. We start in the basement, where Hardass learns the poisoner is working for KAOS. Hardass asks what the evil KAOS organization has against the evil, Communist Shmastro. Poisoner says that KAOS just likes doing evil, and killing Shmastro, especially on U.S. soil, will have some very evil consequences. Since he has said too much, the poisoner approaches Hardass with a dangerous-looking syringe.
At the same time, in Shmastro’s room, Devon checks out the dictator and tells the head guard he needs a hospital immediately. Despite saving Shmastro both physically and medically over the course of this episode, the head guard still doesn’t trust Devon, and reminds him that if Shmastro dies, it’s his butt. Devon tells Nurse Cheesecake to grab some insulin, after whispering what it looks like, and then asks Chuck what the plan is. Chuck tells him Cheesecake will knock out the two guards in the room, allowing them to escape and look for Hardass. Devon says that’s a terrible idea because it will totally blow their cover and bring the entire guard staff down on them. Chuck says it’s too late as Cheesecake distracts both guards and then takes them out, finishing with the Cheesecake Moment of the Night – standing there with a machine gun and then slowly removing her nerd glasses with a hairflip.
Meanwhile in the basement, the poisoner goes to inject Hardass in the neck. Hardass headbutts the poisoner away from him and smashes the chair he’s in against the wall, setting himself free. He knocks out the poisoner, but still gets the syringe stuck in his leg. After he pulls out the syringe, he is shot in the exact same spot in his leg by a guard who thought this commotion was more important that the one taking place in his dying commander’s room. Cheesecake takes out the misplaced guard and tells Hardass they have to go back for Devon.
Chuck and the agents arrive in Shmastro’s room and Devon is still trying to stabilize him. Hardass says that after all this trouble, just let him die. The head guard walks in, and Chuck explains that although three of his guards were taken down to rescue Hardass, they are honestly there to protect Shmastro. The head guard doesn’t believe them because the Shmuban government has still not shown any signs of diplomatic relations between fellow democratic countries, and assassins usually kill their targets over the course of several hours while pretending to revive them. Hardass says the real assassin in the basement. The head guard says he saw no one downstairs, which means the guard that shot Hardass in the leg must have gone home for the day. Hardass passes out from all the bullshit.
Chuck tells the head guard Hardass needs a doctor. The head guard reminds Chuck that he’s dressed like a doctor, and that he should save Hardass to prove he’s not an assassin. Chuck stammers that he’s done this many times and goes to give Hardass anesthesia. The head guard waves this off, instead giving him a belt to bite down on.
Devon tells Chuck to avoid a specific artery, but the head guard tells him to be quiet. Chuck tells Cheesecake to cut open his pants, making him freak out at the sight of the bullet wound.
Cheesecake finally tells Chuck to relax, reminding him to start Googling. He searches for “doctor stuff” and amazing returns exactly what he was looking for. Quickly, Chuck patches up the wound like Rain Man on Grey’s Anatomy and Hardass looks relieved.Not relieved is Shmastro who has just started to flatline. Devon says Shmastro will need a blood transfusion. Still feeling loopy, Hardass reveals that Shmastro’s blood type is AB Negative – one of the many things he picked up trying to kill him all those times. No one in the room appears to have that blood type……until Chuck checks Hardass’ dog tags and finds his blood type a match. Hardass threatens Chuck if he takes his blood. Chuck just stuffs the anesthesia mask over his face until he passes out.
Commercials.
Hardass wakes up in the spy basement with Chuck and Cheesecake, who turns on the video monitor. The Spy Boss is calling in and says that Shmastro will make a complete recovery and is returning to Shmuba, where there will be absolutely no threat of him being assassinated. Spy Boss also thanks Hardass for his extraordinary sacrifice. Hardass says getting shot is no big sacrifice.
Looking at Chuck’s goofy, guilty face, Hardass puts two-and-two together and realizes he did use Hardass’ blood for Shmastro’s transfusion. Chuck reminds him that Shmastro will soon not be a bad guy, and Cheesecake gives him his gift from Shmastro before he can kill Chuck. It’s a box with a letter on top.
In the letter, Shmastro thanks Hardass for saving him and he will now be known as the Angel of Life. Hardass rolls his eyes until he sees what’s in the box – well-aged Shmuban cigars. Hardass enjoys one while Chuck makes a break for it.
Upstairs, Chuck lets Devon into the yogurt shack and tells him that if he wants a new mission, he’ll have to wait for the next episode. Devon says that’s fine because all this adventure and time in the limelight was a little too much. He’d rather go back to being just an unknown tertiary character. On his way out, Devon also reminds Chuck that a double-life is no way to live, even though today’s adventure in no way negatively affected his wife, his family, or even his career as a doctor in whatever hospital that was.
Cheesecake come out of the basement and tells Chuck there’s still some time left in the show so they might as well touch on the awkwardness of their relationship. Chuck agrees and asks what their “cover relationship” should be. Cheesecake emotionally stabs him in the gut by saying they should just be friends. Chuck doubts that because “being friends” won’t get her in skimpy outfits, but he shakes on it anyway. The slightly-unsocial Cheesecake asks Chuck what “just friends” do, and Chuck reminds her he doesn’t have any friends in this dimension, besides Devon. Cheesecake nervously confesses that she just wanted to be friends with Chuck so she can go after Devon, and then runs out the door to try and catch him in the parking lot.
Devon ditches Cheesecake by going back to work at the hospital. Ellie calls Devon and tells him to come home because she’s just finished converting their pantry into a medical supply closet. Devon says he just needs to take care of one more patient and hangs up. But his patient happens to be the poisoner with a black eye and syringe full of poison.
A little later, Chuck opens the front door and Cheesecake whispers something into his ear that sounds like “Devon’s dead…” and then hugs Chuck. Ellie walks over to them and asks where Devon is.
To Be Continued…! Don’t worry, the preview for next week shows he isn’t dead.
