Chuck Versus the Three Words aka Chuck Versus the Heartbroken Juggernaut

Previously on Chuck, something about a charm bracelet Chuck gave Agent Cheesecake, and Cheesecake ran into a strawberry-blonde spy friend of hers. This show starts with a man running through the woods with a gold briefcase. Suddenly, the man is shot down by…ooh, it’s the Juggernaut bitch!That’s right, the guy who played the Juggernaut in the third X-Men movie will be the main villain this week, as if you can’t tell by the large scar going down his arm. Juggernaut gets a call on his cellphone and does a complete 180 from cold-blooded killer to baby-talking boyfriend. Juggernaut’s thugs giggle to themselves in the background.

Later, in a bar across town, Agent Cheesecake is off-duty, catching up with her strawberry-blonde spy friend, who we’ll call Strawberry Cheesecake due to an upcoming scene she’s in. Strawberry will also spend the entire episode busting our Cheesecake’s chops for sticking around because she has a thing for Chuck, which is what is happening in this scene. Cheesecake tries to act like a robot and downplay her feelings for Chuck. Strawberry does a Help > About on Cheesecake’s prime directive programming and sees that it was installed less than an hour ago in the previous episode. Strawberry is very disappointed because this means she’s broken the Cardinal Rule of Spying.

Meanwhile, back in Chuck’s apartment, he and Seth are playing the quietest videogame ever. Seth says that instead of moping over losing Cheesecake, he should go out and try to rebound. Chuck doesn’t care. Seth sees this as a sign that he’s a lousy Casanova and instead runs the odds that since they will outnumber the women, they’re sure to score tonight. Chuck can’t beat those odds and says ok.

The only problem is that there’s apparently only one bar in town, because as soon as they walk in they immediately spot Strawberry and Cheesecake. Seth, who must have had a thing for her in the previous episode, starts to pester Chuck about whether or not he should go after Strawberry Cheesecake. Chuck, envisioning Seth making a suit out of Strawberry’s skin, gets creeped out and tells Seth to go get some drinks while he talks to the agents.

Walking over, Chuck nonchalantly talks to Strawberry about his and Cheesecake’s mutual relationship, when Strawberry’s boyfriend shows up. Don’t you know who I am? I’m da Jugganaut! Not only is Juggernaut Strawberry’s boyfriend, he’s also her fiancé, as told by Strawberry flashing a huge engagement ring. Chuck and Cheesecake tell Juggs that they’ve heard nothing but good things about him. Luckily, Juggs doesn’t call them on this and instead starts making out with Strawberry before he takes off. Chuck and Cheesecake stand there like an awkward fifth wheel.

Juggernaut waves goodbye and Chuck inadvertently Googles “huge farking scar going down his arm.” Chuck pulls up a Wikipedia page on Patrick C. Juggernaut, notorious arms dealer. After Juggs leaves, Chuck quickly tells Strawberry that he’s a bad man, which she already knows. Turns out Juggernaut is really her undercover target. Strawberry looks at them and condescends that she follows the Cardinal Rule of Spying: Spies don’t fall in love. Walking away, Strawberry flicks Cheesecake’s USB port where she got the prime directive installed, and Cheesecake gives her a dirty look.

Intro credits, followed by commercials.

Back at the Big Lots, Carl Winslow is back from God-knows-where and has officially replaced the dead nerdy guy as the Big Lots manager. All the Big Lots clerks are lined up as Carl gives a pep talk about the new direction of the store. He has learned that there is no word for “no” in the Japanese language, and now Big Lots will not know the meaning of “no” either. Seth sheds a tear, realizing now that there were so many ways he could have hooked up with Connie and she never could have turned him down.

After the meeting, now hysterical after his revelation, Seth is feverishly hounding Chuck about going after Strawberry, even after seeing her with Juggernaut. After Seth mentions making dolls from her hair, Chuck imitates his car alarm and runs out towards the parking lot. TIG and Larry come over to give Seth a hard time about pining after Strawberry, when suddenly she comes walking in the front door followed by her wind machine. Seth goes over to make his move, but Strawberry walks right by him and finds Chuck hiding behind a stack of George Foreman Grill boxes. She quickly shoos him over to the yogurt shack for a meeting. TIG throws it in Seth’s face, as Seth starts to cut himself.

Over in the yogurt shack’s spy basement, Spy Boss fills in Chuck and the agents about Strawberry’s mission with the Juggernaut. The feds must have planned on Juggernaut getting the gold briefcase because it contains a secret high-priced weapon that Strawberry must return to her agency. Luckily, Juggs and Strawberry are holding an engagement party in Juggernaut’s mansion, where Chuck and Cheesecake will pose as Strawberry’s old friends and break into his vault. Hardass will go as Strawberry’s father to run interference. Hardass growls that he’s young enough to be her brother, which Chuck laughs at. Hardass sneers, so Spy Boss settles on him being her uncle, before he can kill Chuck.

Strawberry says that she can get the security key off Juggernaut to open the vault, but it’s up to them to thwart the elaborate movie-style laser system inside the vault. Cheesecake asks why, if the cardkey has Juggernaut-level security access, the card key doesn’t also disarm the laser system. Strawberry draws a blank for five minutes before slowly sitting down, scratching her head. The Spy Boss just looks at Chuck and says that Google will figure it out. Chuck just grabs the vault blueprint and asks the Spy Boss to point to where the security panel is for the laser system so he can use the Juggernaut’s cardkey there. The Spy Boss pretends she has a bad connection and hangs up.

Back at the Big Lots, Seth and the rest of the clerks have abandoned the sales floor and are all in the break room hearing Seth obsess over Strawberry Cheesecake. TIG and Larry start to become concerned for Seth’s well-being and recommend he has a party at his and Chuck’s apartment complex. That way he can invite his imaginary girlfriend and if he needed to be restrained, Chuck can do it and they won’t even have to drive him home. Seth agrees to this idea by letting out a nerdy, psychotic battle cry.

Later at Chuck’s apartment, a now-mentally unstable Seth is helping Chuck get dressed for the engagement party. Seth asks if this get-together is really a date uniting him and Agent Cheesecake. Chuck lies and says no, but his IPhone shows that Cheesecake is calling. Seth starts to cry uncontrollably.

Meanwhile in a luxurious bedroom, Strawberry Cheesecake earns her name by participating in the Cheesecake Moment of the Night: Agent Cheesecake and her are in their underwear, slowly getting dressed for the party, complete with hiding spy weapons on their persons and helping each other with their dresses.


Strawberry thanks Cheesecake for letting her get dressed in slow-motion and then continues to dog her about Chuck. She then settles down and asks Cheesecake if she’d like to talk about what happened with Chuck.
Cheesecake: “Have you ever…I dunno…wanted to just jump the shark, ditch the spy biz, and just run away with someone?”
Strawberry: “Sure.”
Cheesecake: “Really?!”
Strawberry slaps Cheesecake upside the head.
Strawberry: “No! I’m a spy. Duh!”

Back at Chuck’s apartment, Seth is holding Chuck’s car keys over the toilet threatening to flush them if he doesn’t do him a favor – give Strawberry a flyer to their party later in the episode. Chuck nervously agrees and takes the flyer and the keys, and then makes a mad dash for the door.

At Juggernaut’s mansion, Chuck and Cheesecake have arrived and are chatting with Juggs and Strawberry about getting married. Uncle Hardass arrives to the party in a creepy little wig and mustache, looking like a Nobel Prize-winning pedophile.


Strawberry introduces Hardass to Juggernaut while Chuck and Cheesecake locate the entrance to the vault. While getting into position, Chuck takes a page out of Seth’s playbook and begins hounding Cheesecake about getting back together, sparked by all the marriage talk. Cheesecake tells Chuck to cool it around Strawberry because she’s all business, and walks away. Chuck doesn’t see what the big deal is until Strawberry comes up and growls at him to act like a real spy and keep their “happy couple” cover. Chuck says that’s hard since she’s acting so cold. Strawberry explains that Cheesecake’s prime directive is in full effect, so she’s strictly business now.

Commercials.

Still in Juggernaut’s mansion, Chuck catches up to Cheesecake and asks her if Strawberry was right about her prime directive being at full blast. Cheesecake agrees and tells him to drop the relationship stuff, because it just makes her head hurt. In the meantime, Strawberry has snagged the vault key from Juggernaut and passes it to Cheesecake.

Juggernaut starts to make his toast in the main room, distracting all the guests and guards. Cheesecake and Chuck quickly move to the vault. When Juggernaut’s toast goes short, Strawberry and Hardass stall until Chuck and Cheesecake can make it to the vault door. Once at the vault, the cardkey works just like the plothole said, with the door open but the laser-system still activated.
Still dumbfound about there being no way to deactivate the lasers, Chuck admits that he wouldn’t even know what to Google for this type of thing. Cheesecake robotically tells him to relax and Google the damn thing already.Chuck goes for broke and queries “improbable movie-style laser-dodging acrobatics.” Amazingly, Chuck gets a result and starts jumping and moving around the vault like a mix between Spiderman and James Brown on crack.Naturally, Chuck trips the alarm with his left butt cheek standing two steps from the door and the vault slams shut. The Jugg Thugs are also alerted in the main room and head towards the vault. Chuck freaks as the vault starts to fill with poisonous gas and Cheesecake tries unsuccessfully to reopen the door with the key card. Thankfully, she spots a vent with a loose cover immediately overhead and jumps into it, discovering a giant, spotless vent to crawl around in.

While Cheesecake turns off the gas flowing into the vault, Chuck thinks his time is up and starts to gush about Cheesecake. The sentimental Jugg Thugs are on the other side listening in and getting emotional. Suddenly Cheesecake drops from the ceiling and knocks out the thugs, causing the vault door to magically open. Chuck tells her “I love you” and passes out holding the gold briefcase.

Commercials.

Back at the yogurt shack, the Spy Boss doesn’t ask Cheesecake how she made it out of Juggernaut’s mansion with an unconscious man, a shiny gold briefcase, and her cover blown, but simply says that the weapon is secure and will be returned by Strawberry to her respective agency. Hardass looks at the weapon, a giant silver Frisbee-looking thing, and asks what it is. Nobody in the room knows, so he just sneers and the Spy Boss hangs up. Chuck wakes up in the other room and overhears Strawberry walking out, asking Cheesecake if she’d like to really jump the shark and transfer to her department of spydom. Cheesecake ponders her marketability after this show gets canceled and calls the boss back.
Cheesecake: “Excuse me, sir. Is there any way I can be relieved of my duties as Chuck’s handler and leave the show?”
Spy Boss” It’s ma’am, and you’re the only main female character on a nerd-fantasy show. No way in hell you’re leaving.”
Spy Boss hangs up as Cheesecake notices Chuck awake. She drags him to wherever the training room is.

Cheesecake decides to take out her aggression by training Chuck with a bow staff. She barks at him to be a real spy and Google “bow” already. Chuck says that there are too many results -- bow and arrow, bow tie, even bowing to royalty. Cheesecake yells at him to get it right. Chuck confesses he did get a positive result, but he doesn’t want to hurt her. Cheesecake knocks Chuck on his butt and robotically says “You can’t.”

Strawberry leaves the yogurt shack with the weapons briefcase, but spots Juggernaut circling the Big Lots parking lot. Strawberry runs into the Big Lots while Seth as leaving his hundredth voicemail on Chuck’s phone on whether or not he gave Strawberry the flyer. TIG and Larry come up, telling Seth how worried they are about him and this imaginary girlfriend of his. That is until all three see her walk in and Seth is frozen in place with anxiety. Carl Winslow comes out of his office and says that there’s no Japanese word for “no”…but if Seth doesn’t ask her out already and get it out of his system, he’ll make up a word to tell the psych ward when they ask if Seth’s fit to work at the store. Strawberry, instead, comes to Seth with the gold briefcase and makes him promise to give it to Chuck. Seth knows he might never get another chance, and says that he will on one condition – if she promises to come to his party later in the episode. She agrees.Although, as Strawberry grabs the flyer, Seth cuts off a lock of her hair and runs back to the break room chewing it. Juggs and his thugs walk in and Strawberry follows Seth’s lead. Running around the back rooms of the Big Lots, Strawberry is suddenly dead-ended by Juggernaut at gunpoint.

Juggernaut takes her back to the car and sticks a magical thumb drive in the car’s DVD player that starts to display exactly what the security camera captured when Chuck was in the vault. He confessed to both him and Strawberry being spies. Strawberry says she’s going to kill him. Juggs pulls out the party flyer with Chuck’s picture and says that, instead, he’s going to kill him and then her.


Commercials.

The party is now going on at Chuck’s, with a bunch of nerds and normal-looking girls getting down in Chuck’s courtyard. TIG and Larry, instead of engaging Seth, are turning the courtyard fountain into a giant Hairy Buffalo maker. After the brew is made TIG points out that Strawberry has arrived…with Juggernaut and 3 of his goons. Seth starts to unravel. Juggs IDs Seth from the flyer and barges into the apartment to wait for Chuck. While being pulled inside, Strawberry tells Seth to call Chuck. Seth calls Chuck, who is still in the spy basement trying to locate Strawberry Cheesecake, saying that she has shown up at their party with the Juggernaut. Chuck, knowing Seth is probably very unstable about all this, asks Seth to stay as far away from Strawberry as possible, for her own safety. Seth hangs up and starts shaking with rage. TIG and Larry see this and replace themselves with their cutouts from the last episode, in case things turn ugly.

Two stagehands see the cutouts and decide that they belong somewhere in the main storyline, so they place them in the apartment with Juggernaut and his thugs.


The Juggernaut thugs don’t know what they’re doing in there, so they just knock the cutouts to the floor. Juggernaut accuses Strawberry of planting the cutouts to distract them and warns her that the next time he’ll kill her. Seeing the two of them sitting on his couch throws Seth over the line and he storms into the apartment. Chuck and the agents see this on a security feed and start to panic a little. Seth mans-up and tells off Juggernaut and his thugs for showing up uninvited to the party, and as for Cheesecake, he takes the gold briefcase out from under the coffee table and tells her to shove it where the sun don’t shine. Seth also adds that there’s no Japanese word for “no”, but there is a word for “GETOFFMYCOUCHANDGETTHEHELLOUTOFMYAPARTMENT!!” Juggs is taken aback, until Seth trips over one of the cardboard cutouts and knocks himself out against the wall. Chuck freaks that the bad guys now have both the briefcase and Strawberry Cheesecake and they have no backup plan. Hardass says he’s on it.

Hardass comes out of his random apartment disguised as a grumpy neighbor in his pajamas, hosing off all the partygoers and making them run out of the courtyard. Meanwhile, Chuck and Cheesecake come out of a side door armed with a tiki torch and gun, respectively. Juggs and his thugs come out of the apartment and the two agents draw their guns on his crew. But Juggernaut has Strawberry at gunpoint. Chuck sees that Larry labeled the fountain as “flammable” and tells the two agents to drop their guns. As the thugs go for their guns, Chuck throws the lit torch into the fountain, making a huge explosion.

In the commotion, Cheesecake and Hardass knock out the thugs, but Juggernaut still has Strawberry at gunpoint. Juggs says he’ll kill her anyway because she broke his heart and now he has nothing left to live for. Chuck puts this in context of his relationship with Cheesecake and tells Juggernaut that, even though she’s a spy, maybe she did have real feelings for him.
Juggernaut (to Strawberry): “Is that true?”
Strawberry: “I admit, I did fall in love with you.”
Juggernaut: “Really?!”
Strawberry mega-pimp slaps Juggernaut upside the head, knocking him out.
Strawberry: “No! I’m a spy. Duh!”
Cheesecake feels dumb for Strawberry obviously being in the right this entire episode.

Commercials.

Back in the random apartment, Chuck is trying to Google the weapon by its briefcase and the Spy Boss tells him to knock it off. She also says that Hardass will deliver it to Strawberry’s contacts from here. Hanging up, the Spy Boss asks a man off-camera to let Chuck and the agents know about something coming, to be prepared. Don’t look at me, I have no idea.

Chuck goes outside to start cleaning up the courtyard and Cheesecake comes out to talk to him. Chuck admits today wasn’t his best day, and he was just an emotional liability. Cheesecake reassures him that it was his emotions that talked down Juggernaut and saved Strawberry. Feeling a little better, Chuck asks if she wants to help clean, but she declines, saying Seth would probably know a thing or two about cleaning supplies. Chuck calls for Seth, but gets no answer.

Instead, Seth is in his bed with Strawberry Cheesecake, who confesses that no one’s ever said “no” to her and it really turned her on. Seth admits he’s happy that she was turned on by that, and not the “stick it where the sun don’t shine” remark.

Later, Strawberry stops by the spy basement to say goodbye and ask Cheesecake if she wanted to leave the show with her, like they talked about earlier. Cheesecake says no because she’s got some comic book conventions to look forward to. Strawberry admits she didn’t think she would, and gives her a farewell gift. But, on the way out, she tells Cheesecake a response in French that will cause the prime directive to make her pee her pants. Cheesecake responds with the German phrase for “don’t let the doorknob hit you in the ass on the way out.” After Strawberry leaves, Cheesecake looks at the gift – Juggernaut’s magical thumb drive. She plugs it into the computer and sees what Chuck was talking about. He confessed to turning her down at the fake train station because he knew, with Google, he could be an amazing spy, and that he could save many people, like his friends, family, and especially her, because he loves her. Cheesecake puts her prime directive on pause and starts to cry.

Wow, what a downer. See ya for the next one.

Chuck Versus the Pink Slip aka Blame It On the Cheese Balls

Well I guess the wait has been long enough, let’s jump right into this. The “Previously on…” clip shows us Chuck and Agents Hardass and Cheesecake surrounded in what looks like the center of The Matrix. Chuck must have just downloaded Google into his brain, because he quickly learns everything about kung-fu and beats up all the bad guys in the Matrix room.

We cut to six months later in Prague. Chuck has been captured by some goons led by the Prague version of John C. Reilly with a bad 80’s David Hasselhoff perm.

Chuck acts cocky while the Spy Boss communicates in his ear to get a briefcase one of the goons is holding. Chuck naturally Googles “kung-fu” and quickly beats up one of the goons and grabs his gun. Chuck now has Prague’s John C. Reilly at gunpoint, and the Spy Boss is yelling at him to shoot. Reluctant to kill him, he instead kung-fus all the bad guys and escapes with the briefcase.

After the Spy Boss tells him a helicopter is on its way, Chuck immediately runs up to a roof and asks where the helicopter is. The Spy Boss explains that it can’t be there if it’s “on its way” so he’ll have to Google “ziplining” to get off the roof via an awkwardly placed phone line. Chuck’s Google gives him a 404 error, causing him to be surrounded. Mission Failed. Or as Metal Gear Solid 2 would put it:

The Spy Boss calls off the goons and it turns out this was all just a spy training exercise for Chuck. Chuck’s pants drop to add to the humiliation.

She admonishes Chuck for not shooting Prague’s John C. Reilly and Chuck admits he couldn’t do it because he really likes Talladega Nights. Spy Boss also mentions that the government has been training him to be a spy for six months and all he can do is occasionally Google stuff and drop his pants. Due to financial cutbacks, he’ll have to leave the spy agency, Google or not in his head. Chuck says they can’t fire him because he gave up so much, then John C. Reilly makes him watch Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story and Chuck passes out.

We now cut to six months earlier, and see that Agent Hardass set up Chuck’s six months of super-spy “training.” Hey, maybe this was just his way to get rid of him. Agent Cheesecake says that if he becomes a real spy, it
would defeat the entire purpose of the show. Instead, Cheesecake suggests that if the show’s going to be cancelled, it should at least jump the shark the right way. Out of nowhere, Cheesecake says to hell with the whole spy game and asks Chuck to meet her in three weeks time to run away together. Chuck accepts.

Cutting back to present day, the two unknown people have taken over Chuck’s apartment, relegating him to the couch. They ask where Agent Cheesecake is and Chuck simply says that he lost her. Apparently he lost her to this week’s Cheesecake Moment of the Night: Agent Cheesecake emerges from an outdoor pool in slow-motion, wearing a skimpy bikini and dripping wet.

Turns out she’s undercover as some foreign guy’s arm candy. Cheesecake’s iPhone displays a call coming in from Chuck. Cheesecake throws the iPhone in the pool, costing the American taxpayers about $200.

Intro credits roll. Elusive Connie is now so elusive, she’s no longer in the credits.

Commercials. Right away a bizarre commercial airs of the unknown couple going on a road trip, only to find that Seth Mays has stowed away in the back seat of their Hyundai and talks them into taking him to the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics. Weird.

We come back and Chuck is still camping out on the couch, but now he’s eating a tub of cheese balls that, over time, turn him into The Dude from The Big Lebowski.

The female unknown calls in Seth Mays to try and get Chuck off the couch, but Chuck starts tripping and then passes out. The female unknown sees this as the Lebowski Effect setting in and the unknowns and Seth leave. Chuck eventually wakes up and sees that the tub is empty, but the UPC sticker reads “Big Lots.” That explains the strange effects of the cheese balls – they’re outdated. Chuck should have looked at the “Sell By” date while he was at it.

Still wearing his funky bathrobe, Chuck walks into the Big Lots. A robotic version of Larry directs him to the aisle the cheese balls are in, which looks a lot like the middle of the main showfloor. The nerdy manager (apparently taking Carl Winslow’s job) calls security on Chuck, thinking he is the guy stealing toilet paper from the bathroom. Security snags Chuck on the way to the checkouts, and the nerdy manager teleports right in front of him. He IDs Chuck and gets on the loudspeaker, calling all the customers and employees over to watch him call Chuck a loser. Chuck inadvertently Googles “kung-fu,” but decides to drop his balls instead of kill the nerdy manager. As the manager walks off, two cardboard cutouts of the Token Indian Guy (TIG) and Larry are put up in front of him. TIG’s cutout has a word bubble that reads “Please come back to Big Lots!” Chuck explains that he’s just there for the cheese balls, man. Larry’s bubble reads “Go ahead and be with the yogurt shack girl.” After he sees that Larry’s bubble was written recently, Chuck shows his O-face and runs next door.

Chuck stalks around the yogurt shack, looking for Cheesecake, but instead runs into Agent Hardass. Chuck sees Hardass get a call from Cheesecake, but he keeps ignoring Chuck while he’s on the phone and then plays off the call. Hardass says Chuck is useless because he can’t even use Google right, but in the meantime Chuck has eyeballed all of the obvious maps around the room and sees where the next mission will be. Chuck backs off, but tells Hardass he needs to fix things with Cheesecake.

Chuck decides he has to get serious to sneak onto this mission, so he takes the cheese ball antidote and turns back into normal Chuck, complete with his Big Lots outfit and nametag. He sneaks into the mission location (a latin club) by convincing the bouncers he’s there to deliver a futon. Hardass spots him and shakes his fist at him. Cheesecake sees him and asks him what he’s doing there. Chuck says he’s their backup, to prove he’s cut out to be a spy. Quickly, Cheesecake asks him to kiss her, like in all spy movies when the bad guy is coming. Then she delivers a Rick James-quality bitchslap, knocking Chuck out cold. She explains to the foreign guy from earlier that Chuck is just an ex-boyfriend.

Commercials.

Coming back, Hardass and Cheesecake are in a back room of the club telling Chuck to get out before he ruins the mission. Before two non-speaking-role agents can throw him out, Hardass insured Chuck won’t ruin the mission by telling him everything about the mission. Turns out Cheesecake’s guy is going to meet with a courier from KAOS (what I’m guessing the bad guy organization is called), who the feds will apprehend when he arrives. As he’s getting thrown out, Chuck Googles the guy’s name and finds out he’s actually an international assassin. Trying to break down the back door, Chuck rips off his nametag for some reason and then Googles “kung-fu” to bust the door open. Seriously, you think he would just retain most of that stuff after Googling the same thing for at least the last six months. Anyway, a Mariachi band member startles Chuck and gets accidentally superkicked in the face.

Chuck steals the Mariachi’s clothes and sneaks back into the club. A club employee quickly shoos Chuck up to the stage, much to the dismay of Hardass. Cheesecake tells Hardass to calm down because nothing could possibly go wrong. Luckily Chuck’s search for “mariachi guitar” comes back successfully and he starts to play like a true master. He whispers to Hardass about an assassin, but he doesn’t know who it is. This starts to make Cheesecake’s guy suspicious, so she turns up the heat on the dance floor. When Chuck sees this, he starts to dork out. Suddenly an gigantic laser point moves across Cheesecake and her man and Chuck jumps on her to save her.

Everybody in the club, except for Cheesecake’s guy, all draw guns on Chuck and reveal themselves as undercover agents. Hardass desperately wants to kill Chuck who still swears there was an assassin. Oh, there was an assassin all right, and the Mariachi guy picks up Chuck’s nametag on the way out the door.

Commercials.

Chuck is back at his overrun apartment, eating more Big Lebowski cheese balls and wallowing in self-pity. The male unknown guy asks what happened and Chuck simply says that he was fired. Male unknown guy asks if the feds will have to kill him now, but Chuck shrugs off the question and falls asleep.

HI! SETH MAYS HERE! Seth scares the shit out of Chuck and tries to cheer him up, saying he’s above sitting around eating tainted cheese balls. Chuck says he deserves to turn into a cult movie stoner for having the opportunity to take a job that would send him around the world, but instead getting fired twice. Well, technically, once. That second time he just compromised a federal mission and jeopardized the safety of dozens of government agents.

Seth says he’ll show him what pathetic looks like and takes him back to the Big Lots, where we see that Seth is now living in the furniture department. Nerdy Manager sees this on the security camera and shakes his fist at Seth, but doesn’t kick him out even though it appears he’s been there at least a week. Seth reveals to Chuck that going to Hawaii to become a Benihana cook didn’t work out, mostly because he usually works only with the Big City Slider Station. He also says that he lost Elusive Connie in Hawaii. How? Well, I’ll leave that to you to make your own bogus explanation where she went. Did she:

a) Get a job at a Hawaiian Dollar General, just to rub it into Seth.

b) Hop a plane from Hawaii to nearby Japan to finish her ninja training.

c) Keep disappearing on Seth and eventually he just gave up looking for her.

Whichever reason you picked, I finally get to use this picture in a recap:

Over at the yogurt shack, Hardass and Cheesecake are packing up more of the spy equipment, watching the same security camera feed. Hardass says he’ll miss him – his heavy weapon chaingun that uses no bullets, I mean. Hardass also tells Cheesecake to end it with Chuck to stop the guy from coming around.

Having watched enough security footage for the day, Nerdy Manager decides to call it quits and goes to his car. While singing along to the radio, the manager sees someone walking around the back of the store. It’s the Mariachi Assassin. Something about this guy and back doors, I tell ya. Anyway, he has followed Chuck’s nametag back to the Big Lots. Nerdy Manager gets out of his car and threatens the assassin with a utility belt full of pepper spray. The assassin returns the threat by shooting Nerdy Manager right between the eyes, putting a small piece of this show out of its misery.

Meanwhile, Seth has picked up all his stuff and goes to leave and move in with Chuck. It should be noted that Seth and Chuck are the last two guys in Big Lots with no employees around, so I guess the store was going to close itself. Agent Cheesecake walks in to talk to Chuck. Seth gets an awkward vibe, so he tells Chuck he’ll meet him back at the apartment. With the yogurt shack packed up, Cheesecake has come to say goodbye, but as Chuck tries to get some stuff off his chest he is pistol-whipped and knocked out by the Mariachi Assassin, who then captures Cheesecake.

Commercials.

Chuck wakes up in a rusty prison cell. Mariachi Assassin comes in and takes his shirt off for a fight. Turns out he’s still upset about the cheapshot Chuck gave him at the club and wants Chuck to try it again, now that he’s ready. Google 404s on Chuck so he gets quickly beat up and knocked out again. You’d think at this point Chuck would get the idea and just try to Google something new.

As Chuck starts to black out, he fills in the rest of the pieces of tonight’s backstory. He remembers back to the green-screened train station where he was supposed to meet Cheesecake.

She meets him in front of a CGI train with a fake passport and a kiss, which Chuck isn’t really excited about. Chuck confesses that he’d rather go on with the training to be a super-spy, mostly because the government already shelled out all the money to make the big training facility for him. Cheesecake says that spy life is a fake life, and that he should be with her in this real life. Chuck still turns her down, even while the background song is screaming “SAY YES!!”

At the same time, Hardass is packing up the last of the hidden spy equipment with an unnamed government agent. Even though he’s just an extra, he was smart to wear his official government uniform so he wouldn’t have to help Hardass clean up. Hardass sees the manager’s dead body on one of the security cameras and yells at the extra to check out the footage to see who did it.

Chuck’s Google is still unavailable when Cheesecake talks to him through the wall and tells him to get himself out. Chuck says his browser is down and that he can’t. Cheesecake tells him that he’s an awesome guy and that he can do it. The door opens and it’s Mariachi guy looking to go 3-for-3 on Chuck knockouts and win the Chuck Badguy Boxing Championship via TKO. The assassin says when he’s through with Chuck, he’s going after Cheesecake. This makes Chuck’s Google act up and he sees all the kung-fu marshmallow shapes again.

The assassin gets beat down and Chuck takes his keys and a blinking makeup compact that looks important. He frees Cheesecake, who says they’re in Mexico, and both head to the roof. On top of the roof is another awkwardly placed cable and Chuck Googles “ziplining” correctly this time. They make it down to the ground successfully, but are soon surrounded by the Mariachi Assassin and two goons pointing shotguns.

Things look grim……until Agent Hardass arrives with his favorite chaingun to mow down the bad guys. Not only does this gun not use any bullets in its ammo belt, it also just knocks down bad guys instead off cutting them to ribbons like a regular high-velocity weapon would. With all the bad guys dead, Chuck and Cheesecake jump in the chopper and fly away.

Commercials.

Chuck and the agents are in the hidden basement of the yogurt shack communicating with the Spy Boss. She says that the blinking compact Chuck swiped was actually a KAOS smart phone – the first one ever retrieved by a spy. With that, the Spy Boss begrudgingly rehires Chuck and once again assigns Hardass and Cheesecake as his handlers. Naturally, Hardass sneers. So what will be Chuck’s new civilian cover job?

Yep, it’s the Big Lots. Hardass says putting in the paperwork for Chuck was easy with no manager, who Hardass apparently told Chuck had taken a job in Alaska. Chuck also thanks him for rehiring Seth Mays. Hardass sneers and walks away. Seth walks up with the two cutouts of TIG and Larry to show that the band is back together. Meanwhile, Spy Boss reminds Cheesecake to keep Chuck in check.

Spy Boss: “He’s unstable and could Google anything during a mission.”

Cheesecake: “Anything?!”

Cheesecake and Spy Boss: “….ewwww.”

Chuck and Seth return to their apartment to find the unknowns cleaning out most of Chuck’s stuff. Turns out no level of thievery is worth putting up with Chuck’s cheese ball eating, overreacting ass, so they’ve decided to take what they can and move into another vacant apartment in the complex.

They also tell Chuck to get new friends besides Seth because they’ve already picked over all their good stuff and it wasn’t that good. Seth runs into the apartment to make sure all of his Robot Chicken dolls are still there. Cheesecake catches Chuck before he goes inside, and he apologizes saying the job just sounded too good to pass up. Cheesecake clears up that she only wanted to jump the shark because she thought the show was ending. And to make sure it wouldn’t happen again, the spy agency installed a prime directive in her like Robocop to combat that type of thinking. I love being a spy. There is no place for feelings. I love being a spy.

Chuck looks a little disheartened as Cheesecake walks into a corner like a robot, but Hardass comes out of a random apartment and tells him it’s time. Time to train, that is. Chuck and Hardass have boxing gloves on in a ring and Chuck Googles “boxing” and starts to spar.

What happens next? Well there was a show right after it, so you won’t have to wait long to find out. Just let me watch it first.

I Don't Really Watch Chuck: An Introduction

Hello and welcome to my new blog called I Don't Really Watch Chuck. This blog is all about recapping the NBC television series Chuck. But, as you may have guessed from the title, I don't really watch the show. Nevertheless, I will try to recap it the best that I can. I may paraphrase some things. I may put a spin on some things. Hell, I might just make some stuff up if it sounds better, but you will know what happened on that episode. More or less.

So why take on this venture? I'm glad you asked. Here are my three reasons for doing this blog:

Reason 1: Chuck is a dumb show.

To date, I have only seen two episodes of Chuck -- the 3D episode after the 2009 Super Bowl, and one I can't remember anything about. From those two shows I gathered one fact about Chuck -- Chuck is a dumb show with a dumb premise with dumb characters. Chuck is a show about an electronics store technician who somehow gets the government's database of villians imprinted onto his brain and is now a reluctant secret agent. That's pretty f***ing dumb. But that's just the overall plot. Basically, from what I gather, every episode of Chuck is an episode of Get Smart-meets-Maxim magazine-meets-a Best Buy ad. Bumbling Agent and Cute Agent go on missions and everything works out in the end. There's gratuitous stuff for the guys. There's nerdy/tech stuff for the nerdy guys. What better reason to target a show for unintentional humor?

Reason 2: Chuck has nothing left to lose.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. And it doesn't get much more desperate than a show that was saved from cancellation by a persistant fanbase buying footlongs at Subway. As such, this will most likely be Chuck's final season. And when your show is set to do or die, anything goes. Expect to see Chuck in a fat suit. Expect to see Chuck travel through time. Expect to see Chuck at a nudist colony. Expect to see Chuck karate chopping special guest star Regis Philbin. This is the time shows like Chuck go from wacky to bat-sh*t crazy. And I can't wait.

Reason 3: Why not?

Look, this show isn't Meet the Press. It also isn't Sesame Street. Hell, it's not even Lost. This is a show that bothers no one, and impresses no one. Why not shine a little light onto it, if even for a little harmless ridicule?

So, I've made my case. Let's get onto the recapping. But first, I have a little confession to make. I don't really know any of the characters on Chuck. Yeah, I know that's a little hard to believe. And this new season starts next week. That doesn't give me much time to learn all the characters, so I'm just going to introduce you to my version of the characters so we're all on the same page going into Season 3:

This is Chuck. Chuck is always referred to as Chuck. Otherwise, the show would be called something else.

This is Agent Cheesecake. Agent Cheesecake is the smart, yet sexy agent who can't stand Chuck but will eventually fall in love with Chuck. She is regularly put in situations that require her in skimpy outfits, or in some form of fantasy condition -- such as wet clothes, or seductively making a yogurt sundae.

This is Agent Hardass. Agent Hardass is a constant hardass to Chuck. He's on the show because Agent Cheesecake's boss is too secret and serious to be shaking her fist at Chuck all the time, so he does it instead. Also, he can't be kind to, or even smile at Chuck at any point in time. Otherwise he'll break some prime directive in his programming and his head will explode.

But enough about the spy guys. Chuck has a normal life, and a normal job:
LOL I'll pretend you said Big Lots. Anyway, Chuck has friendly coworkers at the Big Lots, such as:
This is Chuck's best friend Seth Mays. His face is the perfect combination of Seth Green and the late pitchman Billy Mays. And just like Seth Green and Billy Mays, he's immature and a huge pain in the ass.

This is Larry. Yes, Larry from the Three Stooges is alive and works at Big Lots.

This is the Token Indian Guy. Every show needs a token Indian guy, and Chuck is no different. I'm pretty sure this character is not the same character from The Big Bang Theory or Heroes.

This is Elusive Connie. This character allegedly works at Big Lots although I've never seen her on a single episode. In fact, when looking from screencaps of Chuck online I went through pages upon pages until I found this picture. Maybe her appearances are like some kind of drinking game for the fans.

This is the boss at Big Lots, Carl Winslow. You know, the dad from Family Matters. Well now he's a boss at an electronics store. Which is ironic because he always hated that nerd Urkel.

I have no idea who these people are. I think they either live with Chuck, or have breakfast with Chuck, or are slowly gaining his trust so they can rob him blind while he's at work.

So now you know the characters involved. All we need now are new episodes. So come back soon because the new season starts January 11th and I'll be all ready to do some Chuck recapping. More or less.